Week 10: Seeking to Understand

     According to Dr. John Gottman "All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can't find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements the result is gridlock"(Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.236). Fortunately, there are ways to overcome gridlock. Avoiding them is the best approach. We also need to constantly pay attention to our partners' needs. When we marry someone we do it because we love them and because they make us happy by loving us back. But the love and admiration can easily diminish if we don't nourish it. I love it when my husband can tell how I feel without any words. To me this shows he cares enough to notice and even better, he loves me enough to try his best to help me out. The more I grow and experience life, the more I realize how important are the small and simple things. A strong marriage is not based on how big is the house we live in, how many expensive accessories we own, or how many times we bragged about how happy we are on social media. What makes it strong are the times we sincerely showed love to our spouse in the way it pleases them, the times we encouraged and sustained them in following their dreams, and all the times we prayed to our Heavenly Father to help me be better and loving spouses to them or asked Him to watch over them.

     It is important to keep our eyes open for all the little ways Satan is using to slowly destroy our marriages. Keeping secrets from our spouse, constantly pointing out the negative in them, being slow to forgive them, avoid sincere communication, are just a few ways that will negatively impact our marriage. On the contrary, we need to focus on being charitable in our relationship with our spouse and become true followers of Jesus Christ. Dr. Goddard said: "When we choose to see the good, think about it, talk about it, and appreciate it, we bless those around us - often by evoking the same attitude in them" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.125). I notice in my own marriage how my husband's face lights up when I become humble and apologize first. He tells me how much he appreciates when I stop and ask him to explain again what he actually meant in his comments instead of wrongly assuming his message and acting as if the whole world is against me (which happens more often than I want to admit). Our marriage works because we fight for it. When times get rough, it is important to start our conversation by pointing out some qualities we love about each other. We show love when we seek to understand our spouses and when we pay attention to how we show that.

Week 9: Managing Conflict

In his book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman explains how every marriage represents a union between two individuals who each have their own opinions, values, and personalities. Marital conflicts exist in every marriage and according to Dr. Gottman they are either solvable or perpetual, the last one meaning these conflicts will always be a part of their lives in one way or another. Expecting to find a perfect person, living a never-ending fairy tale life, and always agreeing on everything is an unrealistic dream. None of us are perfect while living on Earth. We are here to learn more, to develop our talents, to discover who we are, and to help others achieve happiness and success in this life. If we truly love our spouses then we should always strive to understand them, to put ourselves in their shoes, to treat them with kindness, and learn to communicate openly. 

       Dr. Gottman's fifth principle, Solve Your Solvable Problems, entails five steps: 

1. Soften your start-up (avoid criticism or contempt; share some of the responsibility)
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts (put on the brakes and lower tension in the relationship with your spouse)
3. Soothe yourself and each other (calm down before attempting to solve an issue)
4. Compromise (negotiating and accommodating each other's needs)
5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger: be honest about past feelings and learn to forgive and move on (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.161).

       Consecration in marriage is essential for its strength and stability. Dr. H Wallace Goddard describes it wonderfully in the following words: "Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.109). If we want our spouses to treat us with love and respect then we need to do the same to them. Everyone struggles once in a while but when we feel loved and appreciated we want to become a better version of ourselves.

       There have been many times in my marriage when I felt very inadequate as a wife or a mother, or when feelings of depression took over me. What helped me get out of that state of sadness and self-doubt was my husband's unconditional love and patience. He told me he would never want anyone else to be his wife or the mother of our children. He said he already decided to go through life together with me despite my ups and downs. He is the perfect husband for me and he always helps me get up when I fall. We learn each day to improve ourselves and find better ways to serve and show love to each other. Forgiveness is not easy, especially when our feelings get hurt, but when we choose to forgive we are able to free ourselves from the past and live a better present and a more secure future.

Week 8: Beware of Pride

       President Ezra Taft Benson, the 13th president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985 until his death in 1994, gave an amazing talk about pride during the General Conference (Beware of Pride talk). Our Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified because the Pharisees feared He was a threat to their position. There are numerous times in the history of mankind where people have done horrible and unjust deeds out of man's fear. They decided to care more about what people think rather than what God thinks. President Benson further explains the terrible effect of pride: "When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost". Humility is the antidote for pride.

       I have witnessed many times in my life the destructive consequences of pride. I've seen parents, children, brothers and sisters wasting precious time of their lives not talking to each other because they felt hurt and offended. Holding grudges for years and feeling they are entitled to feel the way they did and expecting apologizes from the other one involved. My father and older brother have this kind of relationship and had it for years. It's heartbreaking to witness it so close to my heart.

       In my own marriage I feel there are so many little ways in which pride can manifest. When we say we are too tired or too busy to give our spouses attention. Or when we complain about each other to other people and not initiate an honest conversation with our spouse. We are prideful when we don't listen to what our spouse has to say and try our best to understand where they are coming from. If we really care for our marriage and our spouses, then we need to put the other one's needs and happiness first. We need to serve more, love more, give more of our time, and pray for them more. I love my husband and the kind of marriage we have. We've always been good at communicating and forgiving each other. My husband taught me how to love selflessly, especially when life gets hard. I will forever be grateful for him.

Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

     "It is not easy, but life was never meant to be either easy or fair", are the words of President Boyd K. Packer (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2012/04/and-a-little-child-shall-lead-them?lang=eng), a former president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I think we can easily replace life with marriage in that quote for the purpose of this post. Marriage can be wonderful, fulfilling, but it can also be frustrating and challenging. According to Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a former Professor of Family Life for the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, "Any time we feel irritated with each other it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.65). As hard as that might sound, I believe it to be true. When we find ourselves in a challenging situation we sometimes say things we don't quite mean and possibly regret saying them later. We need to take control of how we react and remember to breath deeply before expressing our feelings.

     Dr. Goddard paraphrases Brigham Young's response when two sisters came to him, both wanting to divorce their husbands: "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him." President Young would say the same thing to husbands who felt no longer in love with their wives. Wow, how powerful are his words! This is why we need to trust the Lord and His plan for each and every one of us. We found our spouses, fell in love, and got married. We knelt down together at the altar in God's Holy Temple and made covenants with God and with each other. Those promises are meant to be lived by us every day. If we want our marriage to succeed we need to turn towards our partners. That means we connect, be involved, respond to their needs without hesitation, be slow to judge them, make their priorities ours, and so on. When our partner feels loved and appreciated he/she will most likely respond in the same way to our needs and desires.

     I love feeling appreciated and needed. Being a wife and a mother brings me so much happiness and  there is nothing in this world that makes me feel the same way. My husband and I try to always make time for each other, and when we don't we can both feel it.  Every day we get opportunities to show appreciation and interest in our spouses. It's those little things that matter the most, such as waking up our husbands with a kiss and a tender hug, preparing one of his favorite meals, making sure he has clean clothes for work, sending a random funny/cute quote we found on social media, etc. When my husband does these things for me it sure makes me feel loved and important. Some of these small things only take a few minutes of our time, but for our spouses this means the world. Let's all make our spouses a priority and let them know how much they mean to us every day.

Week 6: Cherish Your Spouse

     Marriage is ordained of God and He wants us to enjoy our spouses and create our own little pieces of heaven that we call homes. But being married is not always easy and we don't always feel butterfly motions in our stomachs when our spouse walks by.  It takes time, patience, and faith to make a relationship not only work, but thrive.

     John M. Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, wrote a wonderful book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." The first two of those principles described by Dr. Gottman in this book are: Enhance Your Love Map and Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. These principles have been proven to be successful after long years of research done by Dr. Gottman, his wife, and their colleagues.  

     Using his own words when explaining what a love map is, Dr. Gottman says "That part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life." This first principle represents the map of your partner's inner world. There are key elements, such as values, beliefs, hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, and wounds that we should be aware of when it comes to our spouses. Sadly, it is easy to take our spouses for granted after being married for a while, and to judge them according to our assumptions. Instead of judging them for things that we don't completely understand we should take the time to ask them and seek the answer to our problems directly from the source. This will bring closeness between the spouses, deeper understanding about each other, and will help us have more faith in them and their decisions. 

     The second principle is called sharing fondness and admiration, meaning communicating to our partner the things that we love and admire about them. Dr. Gottman describes fondness and admiration as being "crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting marriage." He further says that despite the imperfections of our spouses, they still deserve honor and respect in a happily married couple. This principle takes time and practice. Our brains are amazing and when we train them right we are capable of wonderful accomplishments. One example of this is to train our brains to focus on positive aspects and traits in our spouse. The next step is sharing them with our loved ones by complimenting them. This step helps us be happier and optimistic about our marriage and also helps our spouse feel loved and appreciated. 

     The biggest sacrifice I had to make for my husband and for our marriage was moving far away from everything I knew before and in a way starting my life again. This was a decision we both made. We felt it will bless us and our future children (at that time). This move helped us grow closer to each other and learn to rely solely on one another. We learned to appreciate every little thing we had, to support each other in our decisions, and to live within our modest means. I had to seriously step out of my comfort zone and adjust to a very different lifestyle, including learning to express myself correctly in English. My husband has been very sweet and patient with me during all this transition. His love and support made it easier for me to adjust and enjoy the ride. I would do it all over again if I had to. It was worth it.

Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

     I grew up in a family where every little mistake you made was a big deal. My dad is the kind of person who gets furious over simple things such as making noise in the kitchen, getting interrupted, or not doing things his way. There was always yelling in my family and that brought a lot of self-doubt in me. I also thought that was a normal way of living until I met my husband and we started our own family. Our marriage is characterized by positive sentiment override, meaning the positive feelings between my husband and I supersede the negative ones. We love each other beyond our imperfections or past mistakes. We were good friends before falling in love and I think that had a great impact on our relationship and its value.

     According to John M. Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." I believe a good marriage is one where both spouses feel safe, encouraged, supported, and loved unconditionally. A good partner sees their spouse as their better half and they desire to see that better half becoming the very best version of themselves. The Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) are negative behaviors that will slowly bring marriages to an end. Instead of allowing negativity to poison us we need to strive for positive attributes like compassion, mercy, charity, patience and learning to forgive and apologize often. 

     Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a former apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, told a story during a General Conference in 2007 about an elderly couple who have been married for many decades. I was impressed with this old man who was most likely having his own health issues, nevertheless he decided to help his wife feel pretty and happy while she was slowly loosing her sight and ability to care for herself. Elder Wirthlin said "True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us." (Whole talk) The Lord loves us no matter what, including those low times in our lives when we stop believing in ourselves. Our view is limited, but our Heavenly Father sees things from an eternal perspective and He knows what we are truly capable of becoming. Love changes everything. It changes the way we see ourselves, the way we see and treat others, and the way we preserve our relationship with our Father in Heaven.

     I have a testimony about the importance of treating others kindly. I believe we can change and become better when we embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As we make positive changes in our behavior, our relationships with those we love will drastically improve and flourish. We need to strive to see everyone as a child of God, as someone who is equal to us. I know we will be blessed if we do all those things with pure intentions.

Week 4: Make It Count

      Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a general authority in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, addressed the subject of covenant marriage in the November publication of the Ensign magazine in 1996 (Elder Hafen's full speech). He pointed out a few remarkable differences between a contract marriage and a covenant one. Usually, couples in a contractual marriage only give 50% to each other and also believe they should walk away from their marriage if they feel unsatisfied or unhappy. On  the other hand, couples in a covenant marriage give each other 100% and they marry one another with the purpose of growing together and bringing children into this world. Elder Hafen further says: "Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other."Elder Hafen's full speech

      Elder Hafen also describes three kinds of wolves that test every marriage repeatedly: natural adversity, personal imperfections, and excessive individualism. If I had to pick one of these problems that negatively affect marriages and also our society, I would choose excessive individualism. Sadly, I see a lot of marriages that either end because one of the spouses (mostly women) feel bored and useless while raising their young children at home, or young girls who are in no rush to marry because they are financially independent and feel good about themselves. Getting married and raising children is slowly becoming less desirable. Just this past weekend I had a conversation with one of my friends who is a beautiful 27 years old woman with a college degree in Information Technology and has a well paying job. She said she wants to eventually get married, but she likes feeling independent and feels terrified of the idea of being a stay-at-home mother.

      President Ezra Taft Benson taught during an address given at the Logan Temple Centennial, 17 May 1984, about the importance of teaching our children about temples (Whole speech). How can we expect our youth to desire to enter the temple if we don't take the time to properly teach them about the importance of temple ordinances? As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe the priesthood of God has been on the earth since the beginning of times through Adam and his posterity. When we enter the holy temples of God, we make covenants with Him. When we keep the commandments and obey our covenants, the Lord promises us eternal blessings.

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      I know the Lord offers blessings to all of His sons and daughters equally. Men and women are created to complete and perfect each other. Elder Bednar said "For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary" (Full talk). I see it in my own marriage how both my husband and I contribute to our relationship in unique ways. We complete each other and we also help one another see and understand things from different perspectives that we wouldn't see if we were not together. Every child should benefit from both a mother and a father's love, positive influence, and support. A covenant marriage is beneficial for both the couple and their offspring because they are committed to each other and they guide their lives after the Savior's way. (Links to an external site.))Links to an external site.