Week 9: Managing Conflict

In his book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman explains how every marriage represents a union between two individuals who each have their own opinions, values, and personalities. Marital conflicts exist in every marriage and according to Dr. Gottman they are either solvable or perpetual, the last one meaning these conflicts will always be a part of their lives in one way or another. Expecting to find a perfect person, living a never-ending fairy tale life, and always agreeing on everything is an unrealistic dream. None of us are perfect while living on Earth. We are here to learn more, to develop our talents, to discover who we are, and to help others achieve happiness and success in this life. If we truly love our spouses then we should always strive to understand them, to put ourselves in their shoes, to treat them with kindness, and learn to communicate openly. 

       Dr. Gottman's fifth principle, Solve Your Solvable Problems, entails five steps: 

1. Soften your start-up (avoid criticism or contempt; share some of the responsibility)
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts (put on the brakes and lower tension in the relationship with your spouse)
3. Soothe yourself and each other (calm down before attempting to solve an issue)
4. Compromise (negotiating and accommodating each other's needs)
5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger: be honest about past feelings and learn to forgive and move on (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.161).

       Consecration in marriage is essential for its strength and stability. Dr. H Wallace Goddard describes it wonderfully in the following words: "Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.109). If we want our spouses to treat us with love and respect then we need to do the same to them. Everyone struggles once in a while but when we feel loved and appreciated we want to become a better version of ourselves.

       There have been many times in my marriage when I felt very inadequate as a wife or a mother, or when feelings of depression took over me. What helped me get out of that state of sadness and self-doubt was my husband's unconditional love and patience. He told me he would never want anyone else to be his wife or the mother of our children. He said he already decided to go through life together with me despite my ups and downs. He is the perfect husband for me and he always helps me get up when I fall. We learn each day to improve ourselves and find better ways to serve and show love to each other. Forgiveness is not easy, especially when our feelings get hurt, but when we choose to forgive we are able to free ourselves from the past and live a better present and a more secure future.