Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

     I grew up in a family where every little mistake you made was a big deal. My dad is the kind of person who gets furious over simple things such as making noise in the kitchen, getting interrupted, or not doing things his way. There was always yelling in my family and that brought a lot of self-doubt in me. I also thought that was a normal way of living until I met my husband and we started our own family. Our marriage is characterized by positive sentiment override, meaning the positive feelings between my husband and I supersede the negative ones. We love each other beyond our imperfections or past mistakes. We were good friends before falling in love and I think that had a great impact on our relationship and its value.

     According to John M. Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." I believe a good marriage is one where both spouses feel safe, encouraged, supported, and loved unconditionally. A good partner sees their spouse as their better half and they desire to see that better half becoming the very best version of themselves. The Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) are negative behaviors that will slowly bring marriages to an end. Instead of allowing negativity to poison us we need to strive for positive attributes like compassion, mercy, charity, patience and learning to forgive and apologize often. 

     Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a former apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, told a story during a General Conference in 2007 about an elderly couple who have been married for many decades. I was impressed with this old man who was most likely having his own health issues, nevertheless he decided to help his wife feel pretty and happy while she was slowly loosing her sight and ability to care for herself. Elder Wirthlin said "True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us." (Whole talk) The Lord loves us no matter what, including those low times in our lives when we stop believing in ourselves. Our view is limited, but our Heavenly Father sees things from an eternal perspective and He knows what we are truly capable of becoming. Love changes everything. It changes the way we see ourselves, the way we see and treat others, and the way we preserve our relationship with our Father in Heaven.

     I have a testimony about the importance of treating others kindly. I believe we can change and become better when we embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As we make positive changes in our behavior, our relationships with those we love will drastically improve and flourish. We need to strive to see everyone as a child of God, as someone who is equal to us. I know we will be blessed if we do all those things with pure intentions.