Week 13: In-law Relations

My husband and I got married in Romania and we lived there for about nine months before moving to Utah. During those months, we developed a great relationship and we got used to relying only on each other. When we came to America we lived with my in-laws for a few short months because we had nothing other than a few clothes, very small personal belongings, and we were expecting our first child. I loved his parents, but I also realized they were still treating my husband as their little boy who needed to be told what to do or who had to give them a report of how his day went. Plus we were paying rent anyway and we were bombarded by his sister's daughters daily. All those "little things" made us both realize we needed our own place to live. Moving out was a blessing for us and our marriage.

 In the book called "Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" the authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen say: "Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also send messages that couples value their relationship with them". Living separately helped us love them more and actually get excited to see them again.

Dr. Bernard E. Poduska wrote about the differences between people and how they can overcome them and learn to live in harmony in his book called "Till Debt Do Us Part: Balancing finances, feelings, and family." He said "One partner may even naively ask the other to "stay just the way you are." (If this were to happen, the partner making the request would someday be married to a sixty-year-old spouse with the maturity of a twenty-year-old! Not a pretty picture." I believe in change and I think it is necessary in order for us to grow and progress. Our experiences help us see the world with different eyes. 

I look at some people in our family, on both sides, and I am saddened to realize that after all these years they still fight about the same old issues. They refuse to set aside their "victim status" and enjoy the time they have left in this life. I am learning from their mistakes and I am more willing to apologize and forgive because I see more and more how important family relations are. In my opinion, some of the hardest things in life are admitting when we are wrong and apologizing first, loving others despite our misconceptions about them, or forgiving those who offended us. Something that I aspire to be able to do someday is to see all the people the way Jesus Christ sees them. Until then, I am working on loving all the family members, while prioritizing first the needs of my husband and children. 

Enjoy this funny video: THE IN-LAWS ARE COMING

Week 12: Power Relations and Children

In order to succeed as parents, a couple must become a strongly united team. Both parents need to constantly check with each other and make sure they are in agreement when it comes to raising their children. Parents should be willing to cooperate with each other and constantly keep in mind how their actions are affecting their children. When parents act as "the cool parents" who are all about having fun and breaking rules whenever it is convenient, they are slowly loosing their children's respect. Richard B. Miller's "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families" article stresses the importance of saying "No" to our children: "Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: "Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language - "No"... Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today's children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need" (John Rosemond's Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children [Kansas City, MO.: Andrews & McMeel, 1989], p. 114) (Joe J. Christensen, Ensign, November 1993, p. 11).

When I was growing up we didn't have many family councils and when we did, my opinion never mattered because I was the youngest. My parents and siblings often thought it was okay to push me around for that same reason. I love being married to a man who values my input and treats me as his equal. We also both agree that each of our children's opinion matters and everyone should get a chance to express their feelings. Our children know that, but they also know that in the end mom and dad get to make that final decision. From my short experience as a mother, I have seen how this way of parenting builds up a child's confidence, as well as it teaches them respect for their parents. I also know that all the things I have mentioned in this post are things that need to be done over and over again in order to work. I have seen a lot of times my kids trying to trick my husband or I into saying yes to something when the other has already said no. This is another reason why communication and respecting each other's decisions as a couple is so important. I am grateful for our struggles as a family because they teach us to rely on one another and it brings us closer together and closer to God.

Week 11: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

The subject of physical intimacy has been treated very poorly in my family as I was growing up. I think my parents always assumed my siblings and I will learn on our own from friends or other outside sources. I did, but now that I have been married for a few years I realize how wrong it was of them to not take the time to teach me about it. As a mother now, I see how many lies are being taught that lead our children to confusion about sex, marriage, and specifically about our gender roles. My husband and I are teaching our children about sex already, without getting into much detail since they are pretty young still, but I can already see how they are beginning to understand and make sense of things. Here is a link to a wonderful resource that will hopefully help parents as they prepare to have "the talk" with their children: https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/collection/family-conversations-talking-about-healthy-sexuality

I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! I am grateful for the knowledge that marriage is sacred and it is meant to last forever. I love my husband and I feel joy in being a wife and a mother. It teaches me to be humble, to be selfless, and kind.  In the 6th chapter of A Parent's Guide it says: "Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion" (Full text). (Links to an external site.). I find it hard sometimes to focus on what my husband needs, especially when I feel tired at the end of the day. My husband doesn't have to tell me how much it hurts him when I push him away; I know it does because I feel it. One of my goals is to make more time and to put more energy into my marriage. My husband is my best friend and he deserves to be happy just as much as I do.

I always thought of infidelity as being strictly related to extramarital sex. Boy, was I wrong! A person is being unfaithful to their spouse by "simply" spending more time and sharing affection with another person of the opposite sex. Things such as, spending time alone with that person, giving small gifts, wishing their spouse to be more like this other person, are just a few ways someone can be unfaithful. These activities can do so much damage to a marriage. An honest repentance process, time, and complete fidelity can slowly repair a broken marriage.

Week 10: Seeking to Understand

     According to Dr. John Gottman "All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can't find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements the result is gridlock"(Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.236). Fortunately, there are ways to overcome gridlock. Avoiding them is the best approach. We also need to constantly pay attention to our partners' needs. When we marry someone we do it because we love them and because they make us happy by loving us back. But the love and admiration can easily diminish if we don't nourish it. I love it when my husband can tell how I feel without any words. To me this shows he cares enough to notice and even better, he loves me enough to try his best to help me out. The more I grow and experience life, the more I realize how important are the small and simple things. A strong marriage is not based on how big is the house we live in, how many expensive accessories we own, or how many times we bragged about how happy we are on social media. What makes it strong are the times we sincerely showed love to our spouse in the way it pleases them, the times we encouraged and sustained them in following their dreams, and all the times we prayed to our Heavenly Father to help me be better and loving spouses to them or asked Him to watch over them.

     It is important to keep our eyes open for all the little ways Satan is using to slowly destroy our marriages. Keeping secrets from our spouse, constantly pointing out the negative in them, being slow to forgive them, avoid sincere communication, are just a few ways that will negatively impact our marriage. On the contrary, we need to focus on being charitable in our relationship with our spouse and become true followers of Jesus Christ. Dr. Goddard said: "When we choose to see the good, think about it, talk about it, and appreciate it, we bless those around us - often by evoking the same attitude in them" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.125). I notice in my own marriage how my husband's face lights up when I become humble and apologize first. He tells me how much he appreciates when I stop and ask him to explain again what he actually meant in his comments instead of wrongly assuming his message and acting as if the whole world is against me (which happens more often than I want to admit). Our marriage works because we fight for it. When times get rough, it is important to start our conversation by pointing out some qualities we love about each other. We show love when we seek to understand our spouses and when we pay attention to how we show that.

Week 9: Managing Conflict

In his book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman explains how every marriage represents a union between two individuals who each have their own opinions, values, and personalities. Marital conflicts exist in every marriage and according to Dr. Gottman they are either solvable or perpetual, the last one meaning these conflicts will always be a part of their lives in one way or another. Expecting to find a perfect person, living a never-ending fairy tale life, and always agreeing on everything is an unrealistic dream. None of us are perfect while living on Earth. We are here to learn more, to develop our talents, to discover who we are, and to help others achieve happiness and success in this life. If we truly love our spouses then we should always strive to understand them, to put ourselves in their shoes, to treat them with kindness, and learn to communicate openly. 

       Dr. Gottman's fifth principle, Solve Your Solvable Problems, entails five steps: 

1. Soften your start-up (avoid criticism or contempt; share some of the responsibility)
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts (put on the brakes and lower tension in the relationship with your spouse)
3. Soothe yourself and each other (calm down before attempting to solve an issue)
4. Compromise (negotiating and accommodating each other's needs)
5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger: be honest about past feelings and learn to forgive and move on (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p.161).

       Consecration in marriage is essential for its strength and stability. Dr. H Wallace Goddard describes it wonderfully in the following words: "Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.109). If we want our spouses to treat us with love and respect then we need to do the same to them. Everyone struggles once in a while but when we feel loved and appreciated we want to become a better version of ourselves.

       There have been many times in my marriage when I felt very inadequate as a wife or a mother, or when feelings of depression took over me. What helped me get out of that state of sadness and self-doubt was my husband's unconditional love and patience. He told me he would never want anyone else to be his wife or the mother of our children. He said he already decided to go through life together with me despite my ups and downs. He is the perfect husband for me and he always helps me get up when I fall. We learn each day to improve ourselves and find better ways to serve and show love to each other. Forgiveness is not easy, especially when our feelings get hurt, but when we choose to forgive we are able to free ourselves from the past and live a better present and a more secure future.

Week 8: Beware of Pride

       President Ezra Taft Benson, the 13th president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985 until his death in 1994, gave an amazing talk about pride during the General Conference (Beware of Pride talk). Our Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified because the Pharisees feared He was a threat to their position. There are numerous times in the history of mankind where people have done horrible and unjust deeds out of man's fear. They decided to care more about what people think rather than what God thinks. President Benson further explains the terrible effect of pride: "When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost". Humility is the antidote for pride.

       I have witnessed many times in my life the destructive consequences of pride. I've seen parents, children, brothers and sisters wasting precious time of their lives not talking to each other because they felt hurt and offended. Holding grudges for years and feeling they are entitled to feel the way they did and expecting apologizes from the other one involved. My father and older brother have this kind of relationship and had it for years. It's heartbreaking to witness it so close to my heart.

       In my own marriage I feel there are so many little ways in which pride can manifest. When we say we are too tired or too busy to give our spouses attention. Or when we complain about each other to other people and not initiate an honest conversation with our spouse. We are prideful when we don't listen to what our spouse has to say and try our best to understand where they are coming from. If we really care for our marriage and our spouses, then we need to put the other one's needs and happiness first. We need to serve more, love more, give more of our time, and pray for them more. I love my husband and the kind of marriage we have. We've always been good at communicating and forgiving each other. My husband taught me how to love selflessly, especially when life gets hard. I will forever be grateful for him.

Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

     "It is not easy, but life was never meant to be either easy or fair", are the words of President Boyd K. Packer (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2012/04/and-a-little-child-shall-lead-them?lang=eng), a former president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I think we can easily replace life with marriage in that quote for the purpose of this post. Marriage can be wonderful, fulfilling, but it can also be frustrating and challenging. According to Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a former Professor of Family Life for the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, "Any time we feel irritated with each other it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.65). As hard as that might sound, I believe it to be true. When we find ourselves in a challenging situation we sometimes say things we don't quite mean and possibly regret saying them later. We need to take control of how we react and remember to breath deeply before expressing our feelings.

     Dr. Goddard paraphrases Brigham Young's response when two sisters came to him, both wanting to divorce their husbands: "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him." President Young would say the same thing to husbands who felt no longer in love with their wives. Wow, how powerful are his words! This is why we need to trust the Lord and His plan for each and every one of us. We found our spouses, fell in love, and got married. We knelt down together at the altar in God's Holy Temple and made covenants with God and with each other. Those promises are meant to be lived by us every day. If we want our marriage to succeed we need to turn towards our partners. That means we connect, be involved, respond to their needs without hesitation, be slow to judge them, make their priorities ours, and so on. When our partner feels loved and appreciated he/she will most likely respond in the same way to our needs and desires.

     I love feeling appreciated and needed. Being a wife and a mother brings me so much happiness and  there is nothing in this world that makes me feel the same way. My husband and I try to always make time for each other, and when we don't we can both feel it.  Every day we get opportunities to show appreciation and interest in our spouses. It's those little things that matter the most, such as waking up our husbands with a kiss and a tender hug, preparing one of his favorite meals, making sure he has clean clothes for work, sending a random funny/cute quote we found on social media, etc. When my husband does these things for me it sure makes me feel loved and important. Some of these small things only take a few minutes of our time, but for our spouses this means the world. Let's all make our spouses a priority and let them know how much they mean to us every day.