Week 13: In-law Relations

My husband and I got married in Romania and we lived there for about nine months before moving to Utah. During those months, we developed a great relationship and we got used to relying only on each other. When we came to America we lived with my in-laws for a few short months because we had nothing other than a few clothes, very small personal belongings, and we were expecting our first child. I loved his parents, but I also realized they were still treating my husband as their little boy who needed to be told what to do or who had to give them a report of how his day went. Plus we were paying rent anyway and we were bombarded by his sister's daughters daily. All those "little things" made us both realize we needed our own place to live. Moving out was a blessing for us and our marriage.

 In the book called "Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" the authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen say: "Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also send messages that couples value their relationship with them". Living separately helped us love them more and actually get excited to see them again.

Dr. Bernard E. Poduska wrote about the differences between people and how they can overcome them and learn to live in harmony in his book called "Till Debt Do Us Part: Balancing finances, feelings, and family." He said "One partner may even naively ask the other to "stay just the way you are." (If this were to happen, the partner making the request would someday be married to a sixty-year-old spouse with the maturity of a twenty-year-old! Not a pretty picture." I believe in change and I think it is necessary in order for us to grow and progress. Our experiences help us see the world with different eyes. 

I look at some people in our family, on both sides, and I am saddened to realize that after all these years they still fight about the same old issues. They refuse to set aside their "victim status" and enjoy the time they have left in this life. I am learning from their mistakes and I am more willing to apologize and forgive because I see more and more how important family relations are. In my opinion, some of the hardest things in life are admitting when we are wrong and apologizing first, loving others despite our misconceptions about them, or forgiving those who offended us. Something that I aspire to be able to do someday is to see all the people the way Jesus Christ sees them. Until then, I am working on loving all the family members, while prioritizing first the needs of my husband and children. 

Enjoy this funny video: THE IN-LAWS ARE COMING

Week 12: Power Relations and Children

In order to succeed as parents, a couple must become a strongly united team. Both parents need to constantly check with each other and make sure they are in agreement when it comes to raising their children. Parents should be willing to cooperate with each other and constantly keep in mind how their actions are affecting their children. When parents act as "the cool parents" who are all about having fun and breaking rules whenever it is convenient, they are slowly loosing their children's respect. Richard B. Miller's "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families" article stresses the importance of saying "No" to our children: "Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: "Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language - "No"... Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today's children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need" (John Rosemond's Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children [Kansas City, MO.: Andrews & McMeel, 1989], p. 114) (Joe J. Christensen, Ensign, November 1993, p. 11).

When I was growing up we didn't have many family councils and when we did, my opinion never mattered because I was the youngest. My parents and siblings often thought it was okay to push me around for that same reason. I love being married to a man who values my input and treats me as his equal. We also both agree that each of our children's opinion matters and everyone should get a chance to express their feelings. Our children know that, but they also know that in the end mom and dad get to make that final decision. From my short experience as a mother, I have seen how this way of parenting builds up a child's confidence, as well as it teaches them respect for their parents. I also know that all the things I have mentioned in this post are things that need to be done over and over again in order to work. I have seen a lot of times my kids trying to trick my husband or I into saying yes to something when the other has already said no. This is another reason why communication and respecting each other's decisions as a couple is so important. I am grateful for our struggles as a family because they teach us to rely on one another and it brings us closer together and closer to God.

Week 11: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

The subject of physical intimacy has been treated very poorly in my family as I was growing up. I think my parents always assumed my siblings and I will learn on our own from friends or other outside sources. I did, but now that I have been married for a few years I realize how wrong it was of them to not take the time to teach me about it. As a mother now, I see how many lies are being taught that lead our children to confusion about sex, marriage, and specifically about our gender roles. My husband and I are teaching our children about sex already, without getting into much detail since they are pretty young still, but I can already see how they are beginning to understand and make sense of things. Here is a link to a wonderful resource that will hopefully help parents as they prepare to have "the talk" with their children: https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/collection/family-conversations-talking-about-healthy-sexuality

I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! I am grateful for the knowledge that marriage is sacred and it is meant to last forever. I love my husband and I feel joy in being a wife and a mother. It teaches me to be humble, to be selfless, and kind.  In the 6th chapter of A Parent's Guide it says: "Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion" (Full text). (Links to an external site.). I find it hard sometimes to focus on what my husband needs, especially when I feel tired at the end of the day. My husband doesn't have to tell me how much it hurts him when I push him away; I know it does because I feel it. One of my goals is to make more time and to put more energy into my marriage. My husband is my best friend and he deserves to be happy just as much as I do.

I always thought of infidelity as being strictly related to extramarital sex. Boy, was I wrong! A person is being unfaithful to their spouse by "simply" spending more time and sharing affection with another person of the opposite sex. Things such as, spending time alone with that person, giving small gifts, wishing their spouse to be more like this other person, are just a few ways someone can be unfaithful. These activities can do so much damage to a marriage. An honest repentance process, time, and complete fidelity can slowly repair a broken marriage.