Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

     I grew up in a family where every little mistake you made was a big deal. My dad is the kind of person who gets furious over simple things such as making noise in the kitchen, getting interrupted, or not doing things his way. There was always yelling in my family and that brought a lot of self-doubt in me. I also thought that was a normal way of living until I met my husband and we started our own family. Our marriage is characterized by positive sentiment override, meaning the positive feelings between my husband and I supersede the negative ones. We love each other beyond our imperfections or past mistakes. We were good friends before falling in love and I think that had a great impact on our relationship and its value.

     According to John M. Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." I believe a good marriage is one where both spouses feel safe, encouraged, supported, and loved unconditionally. A good partner sees their spouse as their better half and they desire to see that better half becoming the very best version of themselves. The Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) are negative behaviors that will slowly bring marriages to an end. Instead of allowing negativity to poison us we need to strive for positive attributes like compassion, mercy, charity, patience and learning to forgive and apologize often. 

     Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a former apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, told a story during a General Conference in 2007 about an elderly couple who have been married for many decades. I was impressed with this old man who was most likely having his own health issues, nevertheless he decided to help his wife feel pretty and happy while she was slowly loosing her sight and ability to care for herself. Elder Wirthlin said "True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us." (Whole talk) The Lord loves us no matter what, including those low times in our lives when we stop believing in ourselves. Our view is limited, but our Heavenly Father sees things from an eternal perspective and He knows what we are truly capable of becoming. Love changes everything. It changes the way we see ourselves, the way we see and treat others, and the way we preserve our relationship with our Father in Heaven.

     I have a testimony about the importance of treating others kindly. I believe we can change and become better when we embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As we make positive changes in our behavior, our relationships with those we love will drastically improve and flourish. We need to strive to see everyone as a child of God, as someone who is equal to us. I know we will be blessed if we do all those things with pure intentions.

Week 4: Make It Count

      Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a general authority in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, addressed the subject of covenant marriage in the November publication of the Ensign magazine in 1996 (Elder Hafen's full speech). He pointed out a few remarkable differences between a contract marriage and a covenant one. Usually, couples in a contractual marriage only give 50% to each other and also believe they should walk away from their marriage if they feel unsatisfied or unhappy. On  the other hand, couples in a covenant marriage give each other 100% and they marry one another with the purpose of growing together and bringing children into this world. Elder Hafen further says: "Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other."Elder Hafen's full speech

      Elder Hafen also describes three kinds of wolves that test every marriage repeatedly: natural adversity, personal imperfections, and excessive individualism. If I had to pick one of these problems that negatively affect marriages and also our society, I would choose excessive individualism. Sadly, I see a lot of marriages that either end because one of the spouses (mostly women) feel bored and useless while raising their young children at home, or young girls who are in no rush to marry because they are financially independent and feel good about themselves. Getting married and raising children is slowly becoming less desirable. Just this past weekend I had a conversation with one of my friends who is a beautiful 27 years old woman with a college degree in Information Technology and has a well paying job. She said she wants to eventually get married, but she likes feeling independent and feels terrified of the idea of being a stay-at-home mother.

      President Ezra Taft Benson taught during an address given at the Logan Temple Centennial, 17 May 1984, about the importance of teaching our children about temples (Whole speech). How can we expect our youth to desire to enter the temple if we don't take the time to properly teach them about the importance of temple ordinances? As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe the priesthood of God has been on the earth since the beginning of times through Adam and his posterity. When we enter the holy temples of God, we make covenants with Him. When we keep the commandments and obey our covenants, the Lord promises us eternal blessings.

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      I know the Lord offers blessings to all of His sons and daughters equally. Men and women are created to complete and perfect each other. Elder Bednar said "For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary" (Full talk). I see it in my own marriage how both my husband and I contribute to our relationship in unique ways. We complete each other and we also help one another see and understand things from different perspectives that we wouldn't see if we were not together. Every child should benefit from both a mother and a father's love, positive influence, and support. A covenant marriage is beneficial for both the couple and their offspring because they are committed to each other and they guide their lives after the Savior's way. (Links to an external site.))Links to an external site.

Week 3: Threats to Marriage

On June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court approved the legalization of gay marriage within the Obergefell V. Hodges case. I am glad we were assigned to read this case because I feel it expanded the way I view traditional marriage and also how others view it differently than me. Some people believe marriage can be changed as time passes and everyone needs to keep up with the modern days. The Court's opinion says "The ancient origins of marriage confirm its centrality, but it has not stood in isolation from developments in law and society. The history of marriage is one of both continuity and change. That institution - even as confined to opposite-sex relations - has evolved over time".  On the other hand, our dear prophet, President Nelson, says about marriage that it is ordained of God and only He can change it. Further on he says "We cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change."

     The five Justices who supported the same-sex marriage petition believe there is no difference between same - and opposite-sex couples in regards to the marriage institution. They see the gay and lesbian couples as victims of exclusion from the benefits associated with marriage. They also believe this marriage restriction is a violation of the Fourteenth Amendment that says no State shall "deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law."  Justice Thomas said, while dissenting the petition, that "Liberty has been understood as freedom from government action, not entitlement to government benefits." The petitioners were not asking only to be equal in rights and privileges with everyone else, they were asking for special treatment and for standing out above the rest. Sadly, they got everything they asked for and more. This battle will not end until the Savior will come again and we need to remain strong in our testimonies of the one and only true gospel and have faith knowing the Lord is on our side

     All four dissenting Justices agreed that the universal definition of marriage is the union of a man and a woman. They also declared the importance of a good and stable lifelong relationship, where mothers and fathers are committed to each other and to their children's well-being. Justice Roberts said: "To blind yourself to history is both prideful and unwise." Along with that, Justice Alito said "Those who cling to old beliefs will be able to whisper their thoughts in the recesses of their homes, but if they repeat those views in public, they will risk being labeled as bigots and treated as such by governments, employers, and schools." To me that means if we don't teach our children about God and the difference between good and bad, then the world will teach them there is no good or bad and that God's ways are old and outdated.

     President Russell M. Nelson described the importance of developing a strong partnership in marriage and how we will be blessed with great power and protection.  He said "True partners can achieve more than the sum of each acting alone."  Further on he said "Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary." We need to be defenders of marriage all the time and remember that God is our only judge. His ways may not be popular in our days, and life will not be easy for us when we choose to stay on His side, but we will be blessed and protected. Another great quote from President Nelson states "Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said "Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand. We must not surrender our positions or our values."

     Satan is working hard to defile marriage and the way family is being viewed today. We often times refer to those small and simple things we need to observe and be aware of because they matter the most. I personally believe this principle applies to both good and bad. In my opinion, some people see Satan as this horrible looking monster who will one day show up and destroy as much as he can. Well, I see him as someone who tried to look good and cool to others. Someone who will slowly and carefully gain our trust and then drag us in dark and scary places, away from our loved one and from the influence of our Savior. 

     Marriage is ordained of God. When we choose to marry in the right place, with the right person, and by the right authority our marriage will be blessed and protected from the evils that surround us. Each child should be born and raised in a family where there is a mother and a father. No child should be isolated from the unique influence of their parents because they are different and extremely beneficial for that child's growth, behavior, intellect, and so forth. I stand by and support 100% the marriage between a man and a woman. While I don't have any hateful feelings towards gay people, I believe that those to engage in same-sex relations are living a sinful life and I do not support that in any way. 

References

1. Obergefell v. Hodges case
2. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/
3. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/dallin-h-oaks_elections-hope-freedom/

Week 2: Choosing Marriage

"Help young men become marriageable" is the subject that stuck out to me from reading The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012. I was raised in a community where nobody else but my family were LDS church members and being different than the majority was hard and constantly challenging. By the time we were in high school, most of my friends were involved in sexual relationships with their partners and that was the norm. The subject of marriage was laughable to most of my friends because they associated marriage to a boring/lack of freedom state, suggesting that "a paper" won't make them love each other more. People think they need to have a fancy and ridiculously expensive wedding and they spend years working hard to afford it. I wish people would invest that much time and effort in their actual relationships and consider the blessings of becoming parents and creating a safe and loving environment for them.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are encouraged to serve a mission. Young men and women who choose that are willing to go wherever they are called in the world and share the gospel with everyone. During that time they gain a sense of independence along with necessary skills that will benefit them as they work on creating happy and healthy marriages.

 I am forever grateful for a husband who was raised in such a way to develop the wonderful attributes and qualities he now shares with me and our children. I've seen my brothers being raised in a different way than I was. My parents always fixed everything for them and they were never put to work or challenged to become better. I love the programs we have in our church for the young men and I appreciate the support from their leaders. If we truly love our sons (and daughters, of course) we need to let them experience things on their own and show love, support, and compassion without trying to fix everything for them. That's how they grow and learn, by solving their own problems.

In Paul R. Amato's article called "The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation" I was touched by how many couples chose to terminate their marriages, without trying harder to put together the broken parts. Amato talks about how important are the parents' decisions when it comes to their marital status, living environment, and education.  We are the ones who can change the future by avoiding single parenting, non marital births, or exposing our children (no matter the age) to violence, abuse, and contention. The children need a safe and loving environment where they can grow and learn by example.

 

President Kimball's quote made me think of our responsibilities as wives, husbands and parents described in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Heavenly Father entrusted us with talents and sent the Holy Ghost to watch over us, as we try to live our lives according to the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ. Both my husband and I constantly challenge our kids to pray and ask Heavenly Father to teach them what they should do. We also tell them to find out on their own about the truthfulness of the church, the scriptures, and about the existence of Jesus. We teach them the best we can, but in the end we hope they will have enough spiritual experiences to keep them on the right path. We also hope to be good examples on how a family should be like.

Divorce happens for different reasons and nobody should be in a relationship where they are being mistreated. The church doesn't encourage divorce, especially when innocent children are involved, but there are cases when it is necessary. We should prayerfully seek for good and worthy spouses and then give everything to the institution of marriage and to parenthood. Family is ordained of God and we need to protect it and help nourish it. 

 "Though we could not choose or direct in our earliest days the home we grew up in or the parents who bore us, we can do something about the home our children will grow up in" (Marion D. Hanks, The Gift of Self, p. 28, https://archive.org/stream/giftofself00hank#page/28/mode/2up (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).